We fall into things when we don't have a good plan. I'm very bad about this. I can't fully blame my mental issues because I've never had the goals that I see others have. In high school, I heard so many talk about wanting to teach or go into medicine. I just wanted to read more books. I knew college was what I wanted, but I didn't have a clue about majors and minors and grad school and this and that. I just wanted to read more books.
After a failed attempt at college, I came home and worked in a library. I got to read more books.
In 1994 I went back to college and declared an English major so I could read more books and graduate with something other than a degree in liberal arts. I still didn't have a plan.
I worked in libraries three more times after college. I got to read more books.
The last library job ended on a sour note. The management changed and things became tense. I worried and stressed and lost sleep. I left that job as soon as I could. I went to work for a corporation. It wasn't a dream job, but the pay was a little better and my weekends were free again. I could have a social life and read more books.
Management changed two years ago. I knew things were going to be difficult when I was called on the morning of Christmas Eve to answer a question about work. Mind you, I had my gallbladder removed the day before and had someone staying with me to make sure I didn't have any complications, pain, or bleeding. The manager on the phone never asked about my health or the holidays. I knew I should have started job-hunting then, but I didn't have a plan.
Things happened that kept me in place: my mother's illness and death, the need for my benefits to continue, and excuse after excuse for staying and thinking it will get better. Sometimes things don't get better. I don't read like I used to. Stress has eaten away at me.
Now there is a plan. I'm learning to cope. I fall a lot and there are no training wheels unless you count therapy. I need to finally learn how to deal with difficult situations and difficult, even cruel, people.
This lesson will only make me stronger and make the move to Chicago easier. As for Chicago, I'm planning on reading more books.
